Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Biggest Movie Douchebags

Alright, I've decided to put together a list of the biggest douchebags in movies. It's a tough list to compile. For one, it's sometimes hard to define a d-bag, and two, there are so many of them out there in cinema. For my purposes, a douchebag is a jerk and an a-hole with a horrible personality that somehow thinks themself awesome and superior to everyone else.
So you'll have some characters that are jerks and awful and you totally hate, but they aren't really d-bags, sometimes they are even worse, but not D-Bags. Think the Nazi guy in Schindler's List, Commodus in Gladiator, and and Bob Ewell in To Kill a Mockingbird. Horrible characters and fit some of the criteria, but something else more complex is going on there.
The D-bag is also pretty formulaic. They usually aren't in great movies, but comedies and sports movies where you need a super hateable villain.
Make sense? Oh, you know what a douchebag is.

Honorable Mention: Joey in 10 Things I Hate About You, the Black Panther Boyfriend in Forest Gump, the towns people in Hoosiers, Remember the Titans, and Radio, the owner in Major League - gosh, why would you not want your team to win, and the crazy badass Indian in Last of the Mohicans. That guy was such a douche even his fellow Indians called him out. Ouch

15.) Old Mom - Goonies

Um, I heard someone say women can't be d-bags, but I think not. Have you seen this movie? She is a d-bag. Just hateful, super unlikeable. Horrible mother, wants to kill young kids. Her two normal sons obviously have some emotional problems, possibly slight learning disabilities. Her other son, possibly with some physical abnormalities/hideous disfigurements is locked in the basement. Wow, that is horrible. And she is u-g-l-y.

14.) William Tavington/Lucius Malfoy- The Patriot/Harry Potter

I went for the Jason Isaacs double here. He is very good at playing a douchebag. Lucius Malfoy is obvious, but I think the role in The Patroit is even better. He is such a dandy! and you hate him so much for killing Mel Gibson's kids. Gosh. I'm getting fired up just thinking about it. Congratulations Jason Isaacs, you are a douchebag!

13.) Captain Bligh- Mutiny on the Bounty
Well, I watched this movie on Sunday. I was hoping for the Mel Gibson/Anthony Hopkins version, but ended up with the Marlon Brando version. Either way Captain Bligh is a huge douche. Man. What a dick! Just not a nice man, horrible leader, and just bad on all accounts. Watch the movie if you can, either one.

12.) Biff - Back to the Future

The classic bully-douchebag. Man this guy thinks he is so cool, but really sucks. Even as like a 90 year-old man he is still a huge douche, and when he was rich, man, even worse, killing Marty's dad and marrying his wife. D-B Hates manure.

11.) Prince Humperdinck - The Princess Bride

Yes, a classic d-bag. A dandy indeed. Steals a woman he wants. Lies to her. Kills her true love.
Tries to marry her real fast. Lies to her some more. Jerk,

10.) Italians - Breaking Away

Italians are douchebags, it is true. Haha, not always, but at least in this case. For those of you who haven't seen Breaking Away, it's about a cyclist, who idolizes Italian racers. He learns Italian, sings Opera, even shaves his legs to be like the Italians. Then the Italians are coming to his home area and he is SUPER excited. He is doing great in the race. It's just him and the Italians in the front and they jam a metal rod into his spokes and he crashes like crazy. Man, totally dreams lost. D-bag Italians, just like almost dying from a headbutt.

9.) Eric - Billy Madison

Yes, another d-bag I love.

Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Carl: I'm sorry.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?

Priceless. Plus the weasel laugh. Gotta love it. And the weird balls, and going crazy over business ethics.

8.) 0'Bannion - Dazed and Confused

The stereotypical high school d-bag. Good role for Ben Affleck. Paddle and everything. Got the paint in the end.
Also seems so much more of a d-bag because Matthew McConnaughey was so cool.

7.) Deans - Animal House and Old School

This may be an injustice to dean Wormer, but Jeremy Piven's character is obviously based on him. These guys are both definitely haters. What's wrong with fun. Both got theirs in the end, but the one in Old School's wife did not sleep with one of the students. Dang.
P.S. I also considered Craig Kilbourn's character from Old School, definitely a d-bag, but I kind of liked him.

6.) Principal - Ferris Beuller's Day Off

Seriously, what did this guy have up his ass? Why did he have such a hard-on for Ferris? Man, you are the Principal Rooney, worry about your school and not just one kid. Thanks to Charlie Sheen for Ferris's sister not being on the list.
P.S. I believe this guy (the actor not the principal, well, maybe him too) is a sex offender now.

5.) Warden - Shawshank Redemption
This guy my not seem to much like a d-bag on the surface, but he fits the bill. Stealing tax money, turning a blind eye to all prison abuse, putting Andy in the hole for refusing to work for him, and worst killing the young prisoner that could've proven Andy was innocent. He stayed true to his d-bag ways until the end and did not even take the rap for what he did. Instead, he killed himself. Douchebag.

4.) Cal Hockley - Titanic
Look at this mutherfucker. You can already see douchebag. And his name pretty much lets you know the deal too. I don't remember too much from the movie except for him KIDNAPPING A BABY to get onto a rescue boat. Damn d-bag.

3.) Family - Million Dollar Baby
These people made me angry when I saw the movie, might not be d-bags by definition, but I really wanted to punch these people in the stomach. First off Maggie's family didn't really care for her growing up. And two instances were pretty horrible. One when Maggie bought her mother a new house and she pretty much told her she hated it because of all the taxes and wow, sucked. And two, when Maggie is paralyzed and depressed in the hospital, her family only visits her for 5 minutes, all decked out in their gear from Disney World. Dang, I've done a horrible job describing these events, but if you saw the movie you should hate them too.

2.) Sensi - Karate Kid

Wow! This guy is great. Such a huge douchebag. A great movie character. There is potential from a number of douchebags in Karate Kid - Johnny, Tommy, Dutch- but they all get it from this guy. True colors are seen when Daniel wins the tournament and Jonny congratulates him and John Kreese, that's his name in the movie, punches out two windows. Yes.

Kreese: Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
Karate Class: NO, SENSEI!
Kreese: Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it?
Karate Class: NO, SENSEI!
Kreese: Defeat does not exist in this dojo, does it?
Karate Class: NO, SENSEI!

We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the streets, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy.

Kreese: What do we study here?
Kreese: And what is that way?
Kreese: I can't hear you.

This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class. You don't come into my dojo, drop a challenge and leave, old man. Now you get your boy on the mat, or you and I will have a major problem.

Kreese: Bobby - I want him out of commission.
Bobby: But Sensei, I can beat this guy!
Kreese: I don't want him beaten.
Bobby: But I'll be disqualified!
Kreese: [icily] Out of commission.

1.) Walter Peck - Ghosterbusters
"It's true, this man has no dick."
I believe Walter Peck's sole purpose in the movie was to be a d-bag. He has all the criteria, an asshole who thinks he is better than everyone else, and causes harm to the leading characters for no reason. This guy just epitomizes douche. Man, the suit, the language, the arrest of the ghostbusters and busting out of the warrent, taking his job WAY too seriously. Man. You hate him from the instant he is on the screen.

Walter Peck
: Hold it! I want this man arrested! Captain, these men are in criminal violation of the Environmental Protection Act! And this explosion is a direct result of it!
You hate him so much you gotta love him.

In the end was doused with scalding hot marshmallow, was probably funny in the movie, but looking back in it, he was probably very badly burned.


steve said...

Other candidates:
multiple candidates from Braveheart
Kent from Real Genius
Mick McAllister from Teen Wolf
Tomax and Xamot from the GI Joe cartoons

Jeanette said...

I would add Ben Affleck's character in Mallrats, the guy that worked at The Fashionable Male.

Thorzul said...

That blonde Harvard guy in Good Will Hunting who tries to show everyone how smart he is in that bar until Will rips him apart.

Jayne Neverow said...

Honorable Mentions:
Ice Man from Top Gun
Willie Beaman from Any Given Sunday
Buck, proud owner of the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill Vol. 1

Anonymous said...

Hey, nice ripoff of a Maxim article from 2005. From that list, you left off Niedermayer (who was #1) and Chet from Weird Science.. among others. I interviewed Bill Paxton for "The Greatest Game Ever Played" and told him that Chet ranked #10 on the list... he was quite amused by it and asked who was #1... when I told him Niedermayer, he claimed Chet was a combination of Niedermayer and Seargent Carter (Gomer Pyle). Bill Paxton is a really nice guy, BTW

Anonymous said...

Do you like these movies? Some of them are my personal favorites and are "must haves" in any decent DVD collection. Check out my blog, I write movie reviews.

Over and OUT,

Ryan Kircher


Tony Brown said...

good suggestions all. I also overlooked the fiance in The Wedding
Singer. Huge douche!

Anonymous said...

А! 伟大的职位。等不及要读下的:)

irukandji.tv said...

:D Great article! I felt inspired to make this up
Feel free to share it :)

Kenneth Vouvounas said...

Meredith Vickers from Prometheus
Cyclops from The X-Men Movies
Jessica Biel's Character from The A-Team
Hugh Jackman's present and future characters from The Fountain
Happy Hogan from Iron Man 2 and 3
Agent Phil Coulson from The Avengers
Jean Vilain from The Expendables 2
Ken Masters from Street Fighter
Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat 1 and 2
Salvatore Maroni from The Dark Knight
Admiral Marcus from Star Trek Into Darkness
Anne Hathaway from 2006 to this day
Sebastian Shaw from X-Men First Class
Young and Old Magneto from all The X-Men Movies
Raoul Silva from Skyfall
M from Goldeneye to Skyfall
Gareth Mallory from Skyfall
J Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man
Bradley Cooper's Character from The Silver Linings Playbook
Max Walker from Timecop
Terry Hoitz from The Other Guys
Will Ferrell's Gamble from The Other Guys
All of Adam Sandler's Characters
All of Ben Stiller's Characters
Most of Rob Schneider's Characters
All of Jim Belushi's Characters
The T-X from Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines
All the candidates from Dragnet 1987
RK Maroon from Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Bette Midler's characters from Big Business
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket
Private Joker from Full Metal Jacket
Private Gomer Pyle from Full Metal Jacket
All of Keith Coogan's Characters
Wes Mantooth from Anchorman
Veronica Corningstone from Anchorman
Yancy Butler's Character from Drop Zone
Mace Windu from Star Wars Episode III Revenge Of The Sith
C3-PO from Star Wars Trilogy
Han Solo from Star Wars
William Shatner's Captain Kirk From Star Trek III The Search For Spock to Star Trek Generations
Snaps Provolone from Oscar
All Candidates From Kindergarten Cop
Ian Breckell from The Condemned
Ewan McStarley from The Condemned
All Candidates from My Blue Heaven
Danny Vinyard and Seth from American History X
Omar Suarez from Scarface
Frank Lopez from Scarface
Alejandro Sosa from Scarface
Gina Montana from Scarface
Elvira Hancock from Scarface
Manny "Manolo" Ribera from Scarface
Colonel William Stryker from X-Men Origins: Wolverine
All Candidates from The Jerky Boys
All Candidates from Junior
Dustin Hoffman's Character from Hero
Kano from Mortal Kombat
Colin Sullivan from The Departed
Sean Dingham from The Departed
Frank Costello from The Departed
Colonel Yin from Missing In Action 2
Dou Chou (Vietnamese translation for Douchebag)from Missing In Action 2
Captain David Nestor from Missing In Action 2
Francois from Missing In Action 2
Lau from Missing In Action 2
Danton Lord from From Forced Vengeance
Raphael from The TMNT Movies
The Shredder from TMNT 1 and 2
Peter Brandt from Collateral Damage
John Williamson from Glengarry Glen Ross
Travis Brickley from Best Of The Best 1 and 2
Howard Saint From The Punisher
The Russian From The Punisher
Harry and Marv From Home Alone
Slim From A Rage In Harlem
All of William Forsythe's Characters
All of Jennifer Aniston's Characters
Peter Venkman from Both Ghostbusters
Almost all of Richard Dreyfuss's Characters
Johnny Utah from Point Break
Jack Traven from Speed
Maddy Rierdon from Locust and Vampire Bats
Most of Sandra Bullock's Characters
All of Angelina Jolie's Characters since Girl Interrupted
Some of Will Smith's Characters, because of The Bel Air series
General Ashdown From Terminator Salvation
Lori from Total Recall (Both 1990 and 2012)
Harry Osborn from Spider-Man
Various Students from White Squall
The Greedy Wife From DC Cab
Microchip from Punisher War Zone
Kurt Russel's Character from Tequila Sunrise
Tai From Clueless
Sugar from Batman Forever
Kenny The Pig Vomit from Private Parts
Howard Stern himself from Private Parts
Alfred Borden from The Prestige
Robert Angier from The Prestige
All of Jim Carrey's Characters
All of Lindsay Lohan's Characters
All of Hugh Grant's Characters
Charles Pennington from TMNT
Danny Pennington from TMNT
Brother Constance from Heaven Help Us
Mr. Dunn from Heaven Help Us
Caesar from Heaven Help Us
Kevin Dillon's Character from Heaven Help Us