Thursday, December 20, 2007

Lionel Hutz

Over the past few years, Lionel Hutz has developed into my favorite Simpsons character. He is consistantly funny and not overused, both very important. I guess he is a lower second tier characeter, first tier being the family, probably Mr. Burns and Flanders, second tier Moe, Barney, Ralph (over-rated), and lower, lesser seen and loved charaters like Lenny and Carl and Lionel Hutz.

It is those middle level characters that make the show. Hutz is the prime example of this.
There is a lack of Simpsons video online, probably copyright stuff, so I'll give you a number of quotes to prove my case, kind of like a trial-thingy.

It's hard to determine the "best" Hutz quote, so I won't. Here are a sampling of ones that make me laugh. I think I've used Lionel Hutz quotes no less than 4 times this past month as my gchat status.

(Speaking about Homer getting kicked out of the All-you-can-eat- buffet)
Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie The Never Ending Story.
Homer: So you think I have a case?
Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American History.

Hutz: Mrs Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the jist of it.

(I think this was his first appearance)
Hutz: Mr. Simpsosn, the state forbids me from promising a big cash settlment. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.

(After Hutz ran out of the court room)
Homer: He left his briefcase. Hey, it's just full of shredded newspapers.

Captain: Twas a moonless night, dark as pitch, when out of the mist came a beast more stomach than man.
Homer: Hey
Captain: So I says "Batten down the mizzenmast, mates"
Hutz: Captain McAllister, isn't it a fact that you're not a real captain?
Captain: (in shame) aye

Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidently' with 'repeatedly', and 'dog' with 'son'.

Hutz: Now Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims she forgot she was carrying that bottle of.....delcious bourbon. Brownest of the Brown liqours. What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of the trial.

Hutz: (watching LA Law) Oh, sure, like lawyers work in big skyscapers and have seccretaries. Look at him. He's wearing a belt! There's hollywood for you.

Yes only some of the best click here for a link to more Lionel Hutz
Phil Hatman was a genious. Damn his wife. Damn her.
Stay tuned for more Simpsons post in the future as well as a look at Christmas movies later this week.
AC said 10%

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Writer Rabbitt

Haven't written in a minute, sorry.

Sometime I want to be a writer, not like a blog writer, but real literature. I may have some of this to owe to the great Apple IIE game Writer Rabbitt or maybe an influential teacher or something. Who knows? But when I think I could be a great writer I am often reminded that I am just not gifted and talented enough. I lack flair. One thing in particular that reminds me of this are the brilliant emails from a great friend of mine, just awesome and hilarious. Here's the first two I ever received. SORRY ABOUT THE OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE but that is part of the mystique.

"Harry Potter opens tonight, motha fuckas, I already bought my fucking tickets. That little N**ger's about to go off on that fucking snake.
Friday 3 opens next week, but I don't think i'll pay to see that.
Eminem's movie hasn't got a bad review yet, and i can't wait to see it.
Paul Thomas Anderson's new movie also has not been viewed by me, because am a cocksucker."


#2- two days later
"Harry Potter let me down. That little bitch ass n**ger almost put me to sleep with his bullshit. Why am I constantly let down by those I love? You can tell that little girl is going to be a fuckfest, though. Fuck Harry Potter. Fuck that ni**ger in the ass."

like I said, brilliant. Can't teach that.
Here are a couple more samples:

"Yes, life is finally complete now. I saw Webster. That's right, Emmanuel Lewis was shopping at the gap at 10 at night.
That little bastard has a heart as big as my dick. He was shopping in the kids section because of his freakish disease.
All the fucking immigrant workers didn't know who he was. I chastised them for not being American. God bless me. FUCKING WEBSTER!!!!!!!!!!!"

talking of a soccer game "Wally Zoller running up the fucking line for 90 minutes like the field was the size of a tennis court. My shouts of Go, Wally, Go my have drew eventual laughter from the crowd, but I believe in my heart that they knew this soccer angel was performing like the great Germans of old."

You see? greatness.
I only hope one day to have the ability and audacity to write such brilliance.
If you would like more examples from this great American writer, let me know.
Thank God for saved emails.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Things I like right now.

It's been a while since I've written about random nothingness, so here it goes. Here's a list of things I like right now.

Music-Carnival Vol. II Wyclef's newest CD, just came out a few days ago. Pretty good so far- great tracks with Norah Jones, Paul Simon, Mary J. Blige
"We Takin' Over"- DJ Khaled
"I Believe" - Blessed Union of Souls
"Both Sides Now" - Joni Mitchell
"I'll Fly with You" - Gigi D'Augustino, a real banger
"Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley
"Smile" - Lily Allen
"Make it Rain" - remix
"Changes" - David Bowie
" 911" Wyclef and Mary J
" Notorious Thugs" Biggie and Bone Thugs

Movies- Haven't really seen many movies lately in theaters or on DVD. I do wanna see "I Am Legend", looks pretty nice.

Books- Right now I'm reading "My Life with the Saints" by James Martin and "Claudius the God" by Robert Graves.

TV- I'm still holding it down for reality TV. Right now...
Survivor- not the best season, though, no one I really like a lot. Still my favorite, though.
The Amazing Race- pretty good season from what I've seen
Project Runway- yeah, I admit it, I really like this show. I know nothing about design and will never make any clothes, but it's well done. And there is quite a cast of characters this year. I'm also looking forward to Top Chef. Bravo knows what's up.
Heroes- my non-reality entry. Lots going on. A bit crazy, but cool.
Lost- well, it's not on right now, and I didn't see the end of season 3, but maybe Christmas.

Girls- I'm pretty much a ladies man and got tons of game, at least in my head, but there is always time to day dream.
Mandy Moore- always been high on my list. For some reason, based on her career choices, I think she'd be pretty cool too. Yeah
Emmy Rossum- The one from "The Day After Tomorrow" and "Phantom of the Opera". If you don't know her or don't believe me, check out the pics on her website. Holla
Maggie Grace- don't know too much about her, just the hot girl on Lost. But check out this amazing pic. Most be photoshopped or something. Wow.
Alicia Keys- greatly talented and greatly attractive.

Sports Stuff- College basketball is back. That makes me happy.
Yakubu- hat trick yesterday, and my Toffees are on quite a run.
Packers- Yes. I thought they would be average this year at best, but wow. Favre is playing maybe his best ever. Our recievers are maturing and the defense as well. Grant is good and now even special teams is stepping up. Yes.
Tennis- US won Davis Cup for first time since 1995, 'bout time.

Random Stuff- I live somewhere with a fire place for the first time. It is pretty nice.
I also live somewhere very dark for the first time, and man, the stars are great, beautiful.
Facebook is fun.
I've been laughing a lot lately.
Work is pretty good. I'm gonna be on a bus tour soon traveling the country. I'll keep you posted.
RC Cola
I have a pretty nice beard.
I like karyoke and pub trivia, but haven't done them for a minute. Gotta change that.
Nintendo Wii is pretty nice. Far some reason I always make my characeter (Mii) have platinum hair. Yes.

That's about all you need to know about Tony "Bizzie" Brown for now.
Holla, Holla, Holla

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Best Sports Movies (Final)

This is it.

2.) Hoosiers (1986)
Tagline: They needed a second chance to finish first.


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There was some debate, just among myself, whether Hoosiers should take the top spot. I believe the sports intself are better, but I love number one too much.
That scene above is pretty inpressive and emotional. I remember seeing on the scoreboard at Brewer games when we were losing in the late innings, which was pretty often. (They would play this, or John Belushi scene in Animal House- classic "When the going gets tough...")
Anyway, the best underdog story ever. Small, small town against the big school. They can barely field a team. I also love the scene where the short player, who barely ever plays makes the free throws underhand to win the game. And the scene where they have a town meeting to decide if the fire the coach or not and the star player final shows up and says if the coach stays he'll finally play. Gene Hackman is perfect. Dennis Hopper is great as the drunk father.
Man, totally the definition of a sports movie. Awesome. And it's based on a true story.

P.S. The definiton of hoosier - an awkward, unsophisticated person esp. a rustic- makes this move even better, a perfect fit.



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1.) The Karate Kid (1984)
Tagline: He taught him the secret of Karate lies in the mind and heart. Not in the hands.



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Well, #1, we made it. It was a daunting task, but an enjoyable one. But really, was number one ever in doubt? No, the Karate Kid is my favorite movie, or on of my three favorite moives (The Karate Kid, In America, Star Wars). I love it! It's usually not to high on most people's lists, but hey, this is my list.
There is so much greatness, I don't know what to talk about.
Well, first video is brilliant "Get 'em a Body Bag!" totally imprinted on my chil
dhood. Most people don't know about the baller soundtrack- "You're the best", Survivor, and Cruel Summer by Bananarama. Yes!
And the whole relationship between Daniel and Ali (Elizabeth Shue- HOT) is suprisingly great. You got the soccer- he teaches her to juggle, great pick-up move, I gotta try it-, the beach, the school scenes, the Halloween Party, the date at the arcade, the fallout, the country club, the redemption, the support at the tournament, and that hug at the end- beautiful.

And there is the serious side of Mr. Miyagi which people often forget. He's not just this teacher/funny foriegn comic relief charcter. His past is rough. The anniversary scene is deep. His family died in an inturnment camp while he was fighting for the US. Man!

And, then there is the stuff that everybody loves about the Karate Kid- the kid getting back at the rich bullies. Daniel-san really got his shit kicked in a few times. The "wax-on, wax-off", the catching flies with chopsticks.

"Have you ever caught one?"
"Not a-yet"
All the training sequences are pretty raw.
Waxing, sanding, painting, staining- he really did a lot of work. And he got the nice car. The scene where Daniel-san realizes he was actually getting taught something was great.
And there was soccer. Yes. Daniel really railed the heck out of one of the guys that beat him up, but got kicked off the team and loses his chance to make friends and impress Ali. Shoot.
Even Cobra Kai is pretty cool.

"Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?"
"NO SENSEI!"
"Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it?"
"NO SENSEI"
"Defeat does not exist in the dojo, does it?"
"NO SENSI"
Yeah.

Again, the allure is in the idea that sports can raise you up. It's a way to beat the rich kids, to get the hot girls, to make great friends, to be better than those who are supposedly better than you. It's a truly equal playing field. And this medium then transcends to all other parts of life.

Yeah, so below is the final scene. Touching, famous, emotional. One of the best in movies.
Sweep the leg.
Miya-gee dojo.
Danny Larusso, I love you!
There's much more I could write, but the satisfaction on Mr. Miyagi's face at the end shows it all.


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Sports Movies (Part VI)

4.) Breaking Away (1979)

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Maybe one of the lesser know films on the list, but I'm very glad to have it this high. My only regret is that I sold my copy to my brother after a brief phase of trying to sell possessions and give the money to the poor. (yeah, didn't last too long, now my lack of possessions is due to my lack of money) And cycling? Yes. Raw business. This has Daniel Stern and Dennis Quaid. Just the epitome of the outsiders against the cool kids and the whole "what am I gonna do with my life?" theme. I love the biking scenes, especially the classic one of pacing himself against the semi-truck, but I believe the scene above is a better indication of why the movie is so good. It's not really about the sport itself, but how sports have the possibility of raising one up over circumstances, over environment, and higher than those supposedly better than you. It's a way to get back at everyone else who is thought to be better than you or at least how you believe it will do that.
The scene in the college dining hall is great, and of course the little 500 is awesome and emotional. Dave falls off the bike. The others give up except for Moocher, then his effort makes them keep going, and then Dave has his feet taped to the pedals. And they win. And his dad accepts his choice of sport. And the frat boys are beat. Pretty much everything you want.
And the whole Cutters thing is great, the whole class divide idea. I think freshman year I I saw a group of four girls dressed for halloween as the Cutters, bikes and everything. I was super excited, pretty much the best costume ever.


3.) Rocky (1976)
Tagline: His whole life he was a million-to-one shot.

No explanation needed here. Rocky is what all other sports movies are measured against. It even won an oscar for best picture. Wow. Really there's nothing I can say that you don't already know and that is why Rocky is so good. I don't need a video. And the best part?
Rocky lost.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Best Sports Movies (Part V)

6.) Field of Dreams (1989)
Tagline: All his life, Ray Kinsella was searching for his dreams. Then one day, his dreams came looking for him.

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"If you build it they will come." Probably one of the most famous quotes in movies over the past couple decades, but I like the scene above much better. James Earl Jones aka Terence Mann. Pretty nice. I also love his earlier line, "We got learning disability here?"
Great movie. James Earl Jones, Kevin Costner, Burt Lancaster, Ray Liotta, Gaby Hoffman (what happened to her?) Pretty much everyone comes out better in the end. Dreams do come true. I love Moonlight Graham sacrificing his chance to play ball to save the daughter. I love the brother getting served in the end. Maybe even makes me want to "have a catch".
All the scenes with interchange between Terence and Ray are awesome. Ease his muthafuckin' pain. Oh, and a bonus is the James Earl Jones scene below from Seasme Street. Yes!
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5.) Caddyshack
(1980)
Tagline: At last, a comedy that bites!


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Pretty much one of the funniest movies ever. I really don't have to say much about it. It speaks for itself. The montage is great, plus a Journey song. Gotta love it. Maybe not high enough, but the last four are banging, and I think the gofer gets a little too much play.
Chevy Chase's performance was awesome, by far the best. (See the best scene below.) Here's some more.

Judge Smails: You know you should play with Dr. Bepper and myself. Why he's been the club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

Ty Webb: I like you Betty.
Danny Noonan: It's Danny sir.
Ty: Danny

Ty: Do you take drugs Danny?

Danny: Every day.
Ty: Good. Then what's your problem?
Danny: I don't know.

Ty (singing and playing piano to the Judges hot neice): I was born to love you/ I was born to lick your face/I was born to rub you/ but you were born to rub me first/ ...What do you say we take this out on the patio?

Judge: What did you shoot today?
Ty: Oh, judge, I don't keep score.
Judge: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty: By height.

Lacey Underall: My uncle says you got a screw loose.
Ty: Your uncle molests collies.

Ty: Remember Danny- two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

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Sunday, December 2, 2007

Best Sports Movies (Part IV)

8) Rudy (1993)
Tagline: When people say dreams don't come true, tell them about Rudy.

I like the tagline for this one. Pretty, pretty nice. I'm pretty sure this movie has brought me very near to tears. I used to like Notre Dame, but my appreciation has greatly dropped over the past few years. But nevertheless, I love this movie. What he goes through to play is so great. Man, his friend dies to gives him the fire to try to achieve his dream. He goes to junior college. He sleeps in the janitor's room. (just like Leo in Growing Pains.) He paints the helmets. He makes the practice team. Works his ass off and never gets to play until his final game where he gets a sack on the last play and is carried off the field. Great.
Oh, and I love Roc, the guy who was a great player but didn't work hard then quit the team or something. And the kid who got on the team cause his father was real good. And I think my favorite scene was the one where the huge lineman took it easy on Rudy and didn't block him and Rudy got real pissed saying that this was his way of helping the team and then on the next plays the lineman just leveled him over and over. Oh, and my other favorite scene was when Rudy wasn't on the dress roster for the last game, and all the players go to the coach and lay down their jerseys and tell the coach they want Rudy to dress in their place. Nice.
Oh, and all that Rudy went through to play, all his effort and determination really makes me wish I would've put more effort in and worked harder. "I coulda been somebody." Now I'm just fat and lazy.
P.S. I love Sean Astin's carreer choices: Goonies, Encino Man, Rudy, Lord of the Rings, Meerkat Manor


7.) Raging Bull (1980)


Great Movie. I heard so much about it, though, before seeing it that maybe it was a bit disappointing. Great work by De Niro. Great boxing scenes, but more than that. It showed all that there is to be a huge athlete, or at least attempt to be a huge athlete. Good stuff. Love the black and white.