Thursday, June 26, 2008

Shaq Disses Kobe

So, Shaq dissed Kobe via a mad freestyle. Ok, it wasn't really that mad, or that great of a freestyle. One friends said he knew Shaq was a terrible rapper because he could understand everything he said. Well, I'm not too concerned about the rap, but this great Shaq quote explaining it.
"Everyone that knows Shaq knows two things about me: One, that I'm a rapper, and two, that I'm a comedian."

Priceless. Another great Shaq sound bite. Nothing about being a dominant basketball player? And I would go three, Great in Pinball form. And I know Shaq. (When creating this blog, I did not anticipate all the Shaq posts, but he is a great man.)

Big Hurt

So, I'm sure you remember my quest for Shaq Attaq pinball, and the devastating pain it caused me when I could not attain it. Well, I found something very similarly mid-90's, "Big Hurt Pinball". Yes that is the Big Hurt, Frank Thomas.

It looks pretty nice, with lightning bolts and fire and the possibility of making the World Series. Ooh. Frank Thomas still can knock the ball out of the park, but that's about all he's good for. Looks like a quality game, but definitely no Shaq Attaq.

Monday, June 23, 2008


The time has finally come. We can see who is the greatest character in the Lord of the Rings/Star Wars Universe. It has been an epic battle. We started with 64- contestants and are now down to two. It will be "One Shining Moment" for Gandalf or Han Solo.
You know the drill. Vote!

Gandalf- Gandalf has defeated Uncle Owen, R2-D2, Leia, Chewie, and Amidala
Might be a god
Likes to smoke

Han- Defeated Mon Mothma, Lando, Anakin, Sam, and Vader.
Owes people money
Harrison Ford

There you go. Choose the one who will go down in history.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

More Pleasing to the Eye

So after yesterday's post, and after a friend of mine said this of my blog " The other day I thought I stumbled across a softcore male porn site" (that is an overstatement, but there are a lot of pictures of dudes here, I mean the Jean-Claude Van Damme picture is kind of weird, and the shirtless superheroes, well....but most of the pictures are of athletes, so I think that's fine), I thought I'd post a picture for all my male readers out there. Some nice eye-candy.

Here's Adriana Lima. And I did not choose her randomly. She recently got engaged to Mario Jaric or the Minnesota Timberwolves. (see below) I don't get it. And she's a virgin. Wow.
There you go Andy, enjoy.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Soccer player facial scars

Well, I watch a lot of European football (soccer). My friends and I noticed that some excellent players have rather blatant facial scars, and I'm not talking about pock-marked like Mark McGuire, I'm talking legitimate, disfiguring scars. I saw the most obvious one today when watching France. Before the game I told my brother that this players hideous face would lead France to victory. Unfortunately, he got injured in the 10th minute. Anyway, here are my Top 3 soccer facial scars. Yes, a very random list to have, but you'll understand after seeing it.

#3 Carlos Tevez-
Scar- burn marks on neck and chest.
Story behind scar- Tévez has a distinctive burn mark from his right ear, down his neck to his chest. This occurred when he was ten months old while he was exploring his mother’s kitchen floor and he inadvertently pulled a kettle of boiling water over himself. This caused third-degree burns to the right side of his face, neck and chest and left him in intensive care for almost two months. Today, the scars are a highly visible feature of Tévez, who did not get them fixed because he was playing in a junior football team. He refused an offer from his then club, Boca Juniors, to have them cosmetically improved, saying that the scars were a part of who he was in the past and who he is today.
My take- Pretty gross, but not that bad. I feel it may not be the first thing you see. If you saw him on the street you would not turn away in disgust.

#2 Jolean Lescott-
scar- forehead and hairline
story- not as clear on this one- car accident when we was about 5 years old, apparently got run over.
my take- At first I thought he might just have a strange hair style, but that's a scar. I also affectionately call him flat-top, as he is the player of the year for my favorite team Everton. He looks weird, but plays very, very well. He scores a lot of headers, so the scar produces no ill effects.

#1 Franck Ribery-
scar- entire right side of face
story- When Ribéry was two years old, he and his family were involved in a serious automobile accident in Boulogne-sur-Mer, in which his face got trapped within the door, leaving two long scars down the right side of his face.
My take- From far away it looks like a horrible hairstyle, from up close, it's pretty scary. I could just imagine approaching him from the back or normal side, and then him turning around. I think it would be much like when Billy Madison figure out what it meant when his buddy had an accident. "Gooooooooo" Pretty hideous indeed. He is the aforementioned player if you did not yet figure that out. Still an amazing player, though, and he has a decent looking wife.

There you go, another meaningless list. Maybe I'll try to post something more ascetically pleasing next time.

Monday, June 16, 2008


Sorry I've been slow with the updates lately. I've recently moved off the ranch, so I only have internet when I'm at work. Now that hasn't stopped me from posting in the past, but it doesn't really lend itself to quality, time-consuming posts.
Hopefully sometime this week I can upload some pictures of my time in Montana and of my new house/power hour party.

Just to hold you over for a while, here are some great quotes from Kobe Bryant. He's undoubtedly a great player, but I'm not a big fan of his. These quotes might help to change that. He's definitely keeping it real, and maybe a little weird.

Talking after the 24-point lead collapse Thursday and how to get over it: "Whine about it tonight. A lot of wine, lotta beer. A coupla shots.. Maybe like 20 of ‘em.. Digest it.. Get back to work tomorrow. Nothing you can do."

Still talking about it the next morning: "Nothing we just wet the bed. A nice big one too. One of the ones you can’t put a towel over. It’s terrible. There’s nothing you can do about it. They played great in the third quarter, we played like crap. They got back in the game and pulled out a great win, now it’s time to move on to the next one. Period."
(Maybe he really did have 20 shots)

Talking about Harry Potter: "He had more problems with Voldemort than we have dealing with the media after a loss"
(nice way to put it all into perspective Kobe)

Yeah, so good stuff. It is possible that Kobe is a little nuts.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Political Super Action Stars

A while back when I asked for blog ideas, a friend of mine suggested that, in the wake of people like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura becoming governors and basketball players like Charles Barkley and Kevin Johnson rumored to be running for political office, I should develop a list of political positions for action stars and athletes. Sound good? Make sense? Well here it goes.

Future Political Positions of action stars and athletes:

Shaq- Obviously Shaq will someday be president. He is already a police officer and a great, great man (especially in pinball form)

Jean-Claude Van Damme- Well, this one is kind of a comparison to Arnold. I had trouble deciding which state Van Damme should be governor of. Maybe New York, Wyoming, Kansas, but none of those seem to fit. I'm gonna go with Arizona. I just feel there could be many great explosions and car chases in Phoenix and a great scene at the Grand Canyon, culminating in Jean-Claude leaping over the entire canyon.

Matt Damon- White House Press Secretary - I feel everyone would listen to Damon and never be mad at him. We would believe everything the White House gives us. Plus, if people would act up, he could go all Boure on them.

Will Smith- VP for John McCain. I really feel like this is a good idea. Just think, Will Smith is like Obama but better in every way. Younger, blacker, stronger, more charismatic, better smile, loved by all Americans. Mr. McCain, you should really think about this one.

Johnny Depp- Governor of Vermont. Depp is a huge hippie, hates America, would fit in great in Vermont, and no one else in the country would really care because it's Vermont. YEEEAAAAA!

Tony Gwynn/Mike Tyson/Avery Johnson/Dikembe Mutombo- Speaker of the House.
I'm just going on quality of voice here. Any of these men would greatly increase the ratings of CSPAN. I know I would tune in just for the comedic entertainment

Harrison Ford- Sec. of Defense. Would any other nation F-with Harrison Ford as our Sec. of Defense? He is Indiana Jones and Han Solo and in all those Tom Clancy movies.

Chuck Norris- Military. If you got Chuck Norris, you need not any other military.

Lucy Liu - I felt like I should have a woman, and she seems cool, and I kind of felt the need to counter act those first two pictures. I'm not sure what she would be, though. Health and Human Services?

Rob Deer- I'm gonna go with mayor of Milwaukee, because I don't think anyone else knows him.

My brain and creativity really isn't working today. This is all I got.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Toni Brown?

Did anyone see my alter ego yesterday in Euro 2008?

I'm speaking of Luca Toni of course. We are pretty much the same person. And by the same person, I mean the total opposite, except for the name that is. He's tall dark and handsome, and as my friend described me, I'm "not as tall, a bit lighter, and slightly less handsome." Yeah, I think that's a good description.
We get to see the first half of the second game on our lunch break and many of my co-workers are excited to see me (Toni) out on the pitch again.
I'm looking for Portugal to win it all, but Germany may have something to say about that.

I wish I was more like Vinny Del Negro

It's great to see my former man-crush Vinny Del Negro turn up in the news. It was funny when it came up on the ESPN ticker, certain things just catch your eye- Milwaukee, soccer, and Vinny Del Negro. Vinny is going to become the head coach of the Chicago Bulls. Now why couldn't the Bucks get him?
For those of you that don't remember, Del Negro was a former NBA player for the Spurs, Bucks, and Suns among others, know for his silky smooth good looks and shooting. He always seemed tou torch the Bucks, and I was happy to see him join our team. He was proclaimed "the master of the clutch inbounds pass". I can remember at least three occasions where his late game inbounds pass led to a Milwaukee victory. And don't forget the great hair and constant 5 o'clock shadow. He was an inspiration for white boys everywhere. To this day, his is the only basketball jersey I have ever owned.
So Vinny, I wish you good luck in Chicago. It will be fun to see you a few times a year.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Shirtless Super Heroes

So a friend of mine and I were talking about stamps today and started on the stamp I gave him a few weeks ago. (Below)
And then we started on shirtless super heroes and their homosexual natural. I was going to make a list of the Best Shirtless Super Heroes (Sub-Mariner, Hulk, and He-Man instantly came to mind) But then I came across this site -
And wow, it's pretty gay. I'm not one to use that word often, especially with it meaning negative, but just check it out. It's all pictures of Super-Heroes without their costumes on, often times in the shower, in bed, or having their wounds mended. Weird. Plus this is different than what I was going for. I was thinking for Super-Heroes that never wear a shirt, their costume is pretty much the state of being shirtless. Yeah, but I don't think there's a need for more documentation of shirtless super-heroes. Right?
Just in case you haven't had enough, I'll leave you with this.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Mario Kart Update

So I wrote a post on Mario Kart a few months ago. Things were pretty slow when I first got it, because the other players weren't too good, but the circuit has heated up over the past month, with other people that really like to play. We play at lunch, we play after work, we play after some drinks. We've had tournaments and even have developed player rankings. Yes. And today one player went as far as to analyze each player on the "circuit". So enjoy this guest write. Hopefully it'll be funny even though you don't know the people written about. (this post is probably rated-R)

After checking with a fellow associate in Matthew Grubbman he gave me the "go ahead" to be basically bring out my inner Chris Beers/ pretentious arrogant asshole and do a little write up on the pros and cons of all of you as racers in the wonderful world of Mario Kart 64. I hope that you do not take offense to what I write in the following summary. Take it as advice so that one day, you might be able to say you're as good as me. Do you need me to solve problems?! (Chris voice) Ok lets start with the bad...because lets face it, you guys suck, and have way to much potential to be at the bottom of the MK64 Totem Pole.

, I'm sorry but you are in fact the number one loser at Mario Kart. Why you might ask? I'll tell you why. You are way too concerned with the next fucking sandwich that you're going to put in the god damn toaster oven. Lay off the freaking delicious Ham and Cheeses that you concoct during your race break time and start putting some more focus on the game rather than feeding your skinny belly. (FYI Joel whenever you make one of those delicious sandwiches i want one, and it distracts me from my gaming, so this could be a nice little trick tactic on your part, although I highly doubt it is.) Joel, here is what you have going for you. You are the ultimate candidate for an MK64 Spoiler Master. You normally hold the 4th place position for most races, that means you're just one place away from destroying the hopes for that d-bag in 3rd to be able to play again in the next race. Focus on the course and hitting all the boxes (that is for both woman box and mario kart box) the weapons you get will be your ticket into getting into the next race! Huzzah Joel!

, thats right, you're the next worst. Sorry bud, but its true. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that you simply have not braved the cold basement enough to truly prove yourself in the circuit. You talk a huge fucking game too. I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh, but its true. If i hear you say one more god damn time "that would've won that race had i had another character" i'm gonna would've should've throw you off the fucking Royal Raceway Mega Jump. Shut up, play the game, and you'll easily pass grubbman for the next spot. (i know that was a huge spoiler that Grubbfest is next on the list.) Alex, the bashing stops here. You have great potential my friend. You've beaten me a couple times, which i give you kudos for. Well done, pat yourself on the back. Ok you can stop now. Your player should ALWAYS be Toad. I feel that you do quite well with that whiny little mushroom hat fuck. Work on your control on the course, and you'll be all set. Sky is the limit my friendly jolly giant! Huzzah

Matt Grubbman. What can i say. Your biggest con is your persistent need to settle for fucking 2nd and 3rd place. Seriously, what the FUCK is that shit? That like saying, wowzers i have the the guaranteed opportunity to bang Jessica Alba, but also could bang Rosanne Bar instead, so i'll settle for that. Stop being a moron and go for the gold for christ sake. (fyi your people did in christ.) Get your head out of your ass and start playing harder, or Alex will be passing you in no time. Pros- Grubby, you had some excellent races today. You beat me at K. Desert. Pat yourself on the back...and keep patting for awhile. That is a huge accomplishment, and you should be quite proud! Think of that moment, channel the positivity and improve at this wonderful game. You have the potential amigo!

Tony/Martin--- This is a very very hard situation for me. You both pose problems for me quite often you annoying fucks. Right now, i'm swinging that Martin still has the advantage...sorry Tony, but you're up.

You little bitch. learn how to drive on the final lap already! You f'n do so well, and always find a way to manage to fuck things up in the end. Get a grip on that last turn retard. It's not like you don't know how the course goes. For fucks sake we've been playing this shit for years, and further more, its your game and system to begin with! Take a breath, settle your shit, and you have the very good chance of being better then Marty, or at least his equal. Pros- Tony, you're a great MK 64 racer. I always find trouble with you during most parts of the game. I suggest you focus on your slides a bit more, and be more patient at the end. It'll do wonders for your gaming. A few more races, and i see you and Marty being in for a huge huge rivalry. Huzzah for Tony!

you're up next. Marting, they're isn't much that i have to criticise when it comes to you. You have good control for the game, but at times i feel that you let your emotions get in the way. At times you get a little to flustered and sometimes give up. Just 2 days ago i had the lead on you in Royal Raceway and i messed up. During that time i only had a slight lead on you, yet your dumb ass had already put down the controller and called it quits. Easy there Vince Carter. Play to the end and you could've had the "W" Martin your strengths have really come out lately. You have gotten your slides down a lot better. I feel that you're only using the slide at half the amount you could be at. Those extra bursts really add up in the end, and they would benefit you greatly. Once you get that down you'll be at Clarks level. Huzzah to Martin!

that's right, time for you. Lets all give a round of applause for Clark being that number two mario kart player in our Conference! HUZZAH! Clark, you are a spot on racer. You do well down the stretch and don't pull Busch league maneuvers like Tony on the final turn, bone headed retard moves like Joel's racing in general, and do not complain like a fuck stick in Alex during, or at the end of a loss. You maintain your composure for the most part. Job well done. How do you get as good as me. Slides, Slides, Slides. Much like i told martin, you emphasis HAS TO BE ON THIS MANEUVER. Normally when i beat your ass at this game its because of this simple yet tough to do task.

You are obviously the best in the conference. keep up the good work. Your main flaw is quite frankly being an idiot while driving. Sometimes you focus on the slide too much, thus causing you to look like a drunk dinosaur on the track. Get your head out of your ass, and start racing 100% of the time as well. Matt Grubbman pointed out something to you today when you were totally being a douchebag in talking to others while racing. That alone gave you the 3rd place finish on K. Desert you fuck stick. Focus, drive right, and for christ sake dont' turn around when you miss a box, you're not that good to do that asshole! Ok well that about sums it up. I hope you have enjoyed my take on your driving in Mario Kart 64! Please remember that the attitude i have displayed in this e-mail was supposed to be as standoff and dickish as possible. Happy Driving dickbags! Your Friend, Brendan
ps- I expect an e-mail back from all of you cock smokes. my hands are literally about to fall off.

And then here was my reply:

Nice work Brendan. I have to say that your composition of this email show some pros/cons in your character. Pros: very funny Cons: can sometimes be a dick I fear we may soon be some of those losers who post video games on youtube.

How about some criticism for Martin's tendency to just stay in his room and never play with us anymore?
Grubman killed Jesus!

Joel does provide much entertainment. I feel I did a much better job in not letting the sandwich distract me.
Alex you should try to take advantage of us one night when we are all drunk and you are sober. I'm strictly speaking in terms of Mario Kart, except maybe for Brendan. He's been a little cranky lately and needs some loving.
Martin, you should take off your shirt when you play. It seems to help you in all other aspects of life.
Clark, pretend your drive back to Maryland is one giant Kart race.

Comparison to NFL teams:
Brendan: Patriots (sorry) dominant team, others love to hate. You cheat (not really) but when you put it all together, it is a good thing to watch.
Clark: Steelers - nothing flashy, hard work and consistency gets you near the top often, but any championship will be a fluke and a one-off.
Party: Seahawks - good team, fun to watch, but just doesn't have the goods to win it all. At least you aren't bald like Matt Hasselback.

Tony: Saints: lots of potential, tendency to surprise the big boys, but terribly inconstant. Also a tendency to be distracted by the opposite sex (i.e. Hurricane Katrina)
Grubby: Bengals- happy with an 8-8 season, troubles with the law, spooning with gay men, but fun to watch

Alex: Broncos- team with some young talent, may even sneak into the playoffs once in a while, but really "The Denver Broncos"

Joel: Cardinals- others love to play you, flashy and young, easy to beat, but you still seem to have fun, like Matt Leinart

And don't make me even get on you fucks about tennis, or in Joel's case his stupid rainbow shoes. I don't wanna tear anyone a new one. Actually, I should put that on my agenda for tomorrow. That's all I got for today.

Yes, good things. I hope you enjoyed.

P.S. sometimes work is boring, so we need to do things like this to liven it up.

Monday, June 2, 2008


Is it wrong that I'm 24 years-old and still get excited about Kool-Aid? I hope not.
Kool-Aid is still great. It got me through many a summer. It got me through some lean financial years in college. It helped nurse me through many post-drinking-deathly-dry-throat-mornings. I even kept it real through my hating on Kool-Aid roommates during my volunteer year. I thought that this year, living at a ranch in Montana, would be prime Kool-Aid drinking days. But that is not the case. Lots of crystal-lite. Shoot. Until yesterday. I was entrusted with the company card to pick up some food, and came back with the capabilities to make 10 gallons of Kool-Aid. Yes. And I'd say 90% of the people I live with were genuinely happy with this purchase. I do it for the kids.
Best Flavors: I think it old school - orange, grape, tropical punch or orange, purple, red if you like.
Kids: keep it real, drink Kool-Aid, and as much sugar as you want.
Parents: Give your kids the good stuff. Look how great we turned out.
Tip: don't go with imitation. It has to be Kool-Aid. Wylers or Roundies or whatever, not even close to the same.
That's my wisdom for the day.