Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Good Friday/Easter

Good Friday and Easter have always been interesting for me. I took me a while to grasp why it’s called Good Friday, but that’s not what I’m caught up on anymore. The thing I have trouble with is the whole going from amazing sorrow to amazing happiness and joy in just a few days. You (or at least I) sit there on Good Friday and am flooded by my sins. I think of all that I do to continue to crucify Christ. I want to repent for all my sins. I think, “how do I die like Christ, so that others may live?” “would I follow Christ to the cross?” I look at all the times I deny him in my life, I look at all the shit I do, and I don’t like the answers to these questions. Most of all I ponder “Do I make the sacrifice of Jesus worthwhile?” The answer there is definitely no, which leads to the next question – “How do I make the sacrifice of Jesus worthwhile?”

I mean, in many ways, we can never be worthy. So Good Friday kind of makes me depressed. I reflect on my humanity, my unworthiness, my distance from God.

Then Easter comes and all this is erased with the Resurrection of Christ. Really? I mean maybe that is the way it should be, but not for me. I can’t just ignore my sins. I still participate in crucifying Christ everyday. I am still unworthy. I still waste all that God has given me. I can’t let the joy of Easter distract me from what I need to do. I don’t really know. It’s weird. I can’t fathom the quick switch from “I suck” to “I’m great with God”. I wish Easter would change me, but I know from experience that it will not. And I feel it this year, as I am far from God and the spirit, even more. Though Easter is joyous, and indeed, Christ’s Resurrection does wash away our sins, I don’t think it does every year. Part of it is false joy and avoiding the problems we may have. Easter and Good Friday and Holy Thursday are joint reminders both of our sinfulness, or inclination to failure and also the amazing sacrifice of Christ and the amazing joy we can find in that sacrifice.

Right now though, and most years, I find myself focusing on the bad over the good.

Just my thoughts.

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