Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Bracketology

Time to bring back the brackets! Time to spice this blog up again. I have to say that most of my best work on this blog has been my Star Wars/Lord of the Rings bracket. Lots of work and comedy went into that one.
This time I'll be doing it a bit differently. I will not have polls and voting, I'll just make up the results by myself. That way we don't have 5 days for 4 people to vote and it will still be funny and creative.

Our first bracket. Tom Hanks Movie Characters

1. Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump) vs. Professor G.H Dorr (Ladykillers)
Professor Door won the play-in game with Viktor Navorski from Terminal, winning the title of most ridiculous Tom Hanks movie character.
Winner: Forrest Gump

8. Chuck Noland (Cast Away) vs. Jimmy Dugan (A League of Their Own)
Match: A nice 8/9 match-up here. Jimmy Dugan shows up drunk for the match due to his depression after years of watching women's softball. He immediately pisses on Wilson for 3 minutes, causing Chuck Noland to go crazy and attempt to use his hand woven rope to lasso Dugan. Dugan grabs the rope, pulls Noland over and and beats his skinny, skinny body to a pulp.
Winner: Jimmy Dugan

5. Josh Baskin (Big) vs. 12. Charlie Wilson (Charlie Wilson's War)
Match: Josh Baskin, still acclimating to his new body starts slow. Charlie Wilson attempts to bring in some Mujaheddin, but they get distracted by the giant floor piano. For some reason they decided to determine the winner by having a trampoline contest. Wilson decided he would rather engage in some drinking and women and leave the trampoline to Josh.
Winner: Josh

4. Andrew Beckett (Philadelphia vs. 13. Sam Baldwin (Sleepless in Seattle)
Match: Andrew Beckett's AIDS ravaged body passes out when just looking at the dreamy Sam Baldwin. Sorry fans, no courtroom drama here.
Winner: Sam Baldwin

3. Woody (Toy Story) vs. 14. Carl Hanratty (Catch Me If You Can)
Match: Though Woody is animated, he had little trouble defeating Hanratty.

6. Paul Edgecomb (The Green Mile) vs. 13. Michael Sullivan (Road to Perdition)
Well I haven't actually scene either of these movies, so I'll give the win to
Winner: Paul Edgecomb

7. James Lovell (Apollo 13) vs. 10. Robert Langdon (The da Vinci Code)
Match: Big battle here. One historical figure. One great book character. But, good books to not translate to movies. Lovell wins be stating Langdon has a bad movie and a worse haircut. No arguing there.
Winner: James Lovell

2. Captain John Miller (Saving Private Ryan) vs. 15. Joe Banks (Joe versus the Volcano)
Match: This is a case of the 15 seed just being happy to be in the Big Dance, especially after upsetting Det. Scott Turner (Turner and Hooch) in the conference tournament to get the automatic bid. Captain Miller doesn't even play this round and has Vin Diesel take his place.
Winner: John Miller

Round 2

1. Forrest Gump vs. Jimmy Dugan
Match: Jimmy Dugan once again shows up drunk and in bad shape after waking up next to Rosie O'donnell. Gump goes on to beat him in a footrace, in ping-pong, in a Dr. Pepper drinking contest, in shrimp catching, and in beard growing in contests obviously tilted in the favorite's favor.
Winner: Gump

13. Sam Baldwin vs. 5. Josh Baskin
Match: Sam's dreaminess doesn't work on Josh who doesn't even like girls yet, much less grown men. Neither of these guys are fighters and Sam gives Josh the victory in exchange for toys for his son.
Winner: Josh Baskin

3. Woody vs. 6. Paul Edgecomb
Match: A good battle here. Woody calls in his reserves of Buzz Lightyear, Rex, Mr. Potato Head and the Slinky-Dog to face off against Edgecomb and Michael Clarke Duncan. The Toy Story Gang uses their great team work skills to topple Duncan and once again execute him, bringing Edgecomb to tears and the victory to
Winner: Woody

2. Captain Miller vs. 7. James Lovell
Match: Another big battle here. James Lovell retells his account of his scariest moment as a pilot in WWII. Miller just laughs at this and plays back the brain and intestine filled storming of Normandy scene, and although Lovell brought back Bill Paxton and Kevin Bacon safely, it pales in comparison to bring back Matt Damon.
Winner: Captain Sullivan

Final Four

1. Forrest Gump vs. 4 Josh Baskin
Match: These two actually get along very well. They drink soda, the play ping-pong, the make new toys. In the moment of truth bike race, Josh transforms back to his 12 year old self and is drown by his suit, leaving Gump to ride away to victory.
Winner: Gump

3. Woody vs. 2. Captain Miller
Match: Woody again comes forth with his pals, but gets in a scuffle with Buzz, and Captain Miller does the same, making this one a surprisingly easy victory for
Winner: Captain Miller

Final

1. Forrest Gump vs. 2. Captain Miller


Match: Both the favorites make it to the final. Vietnam War vs. WWII. Captain Miller vs. Private Gump. Miller tries to get Jeremy Davies to translate for him, but that doesn't help at all. Miller uses his wits to tire Gump out, but gets the shakes when he is about to finish off Gump. In a huge surprise, Gump's son comes out and tells him he sees dead people. Gump gets inspired by Bubba, his Mama, and the dead legs of Lt. Dan, pulls out his Medal of Honor and shoots Miller in the butt giving him the victory.
Winner: Forrest Gump

Wow, quite a battle. Let me know if you think it would've went differently.

3 comments:

Thorzul said...

Great tournament, although I was a little disappointed by the final. I guess Miller got distracted thinking about those rose bushes.

Not too disappointing, however.
"I couldn't tell where heaven stopped... and the earth began." Great line from Gump.

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