So I wrote a post on Mario Kart a few months ago. Things were pretty slow when I first got it, because the other players weren't too good, but the circuit has heated up over the past month, with other people that really like to play. We play at lunch, we play after work, we play after some drinks. We've had tournaments and even have developed player rankings. Yes. And today one player went as far as to analyze each player on the "circuit". So enjoy this guest write. Hopefully it'll be funny even though you don't know the people written about. (this post is probably rated-R)
After checking with a fellow associate in Matthew Grubbman he gave me the "go ahead" to be basically bring out my inner Chris Beers/ pretentious arrogant asshole and do a little write up on the pros and cons of all of you as racers in the wonderful world of Mario Kart 64. I hope that you do not take offense to what I write in the following summary. Take it as advice so that one day, you might be able to say you're as good as me. Do you need me to solve problems?! (Chris voice) Ok lets start with the bad...because lets face it, you guys suck, and have way to much potential to be at the bottom of the MK64 Totem Pole.
Joel, I'm sorry but you are in fact the number one loser at Mario Kart. Why you might ask? I'll tell you why. You are way too concerned with the next fucking sandwich that you're going to put in the god damn toaster oven. Lay off the freaking delicious Ham and Cheeses that you concoct during your race break time and start putting some more focus on the game rather than feeding your skinny belly. (FYI Joel whenever you make one of those delicious sandwiches i want one, and it distracts me from my gaming, so this could be a nice little trick tactic on your part, although I highly doubt it is.) Joel, here is what you have going for you. You are the ultimate candidate for an MK64 Spoiler Master. You normally hold the 4th place position for most races, that means you're just one place away from destroying the hopes for that d-bag in 3rd to be able to play again in the next race. Focus on the course and hitting all the boxes (that is for both woman box and mario kart box) the weapons you get will be your ticket into getting into the next race! Huzzah Joel!
Alex, thats right, you're the next worst. Sorry bud, but its true. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that you simply have not braved the cold basement enough to truly prove yourself in the circuit. You talk a huge fucking game too. I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh, but its true. If i hear you say one more god damn time "that would've won that race had i had another character" i'm gonna would've should've throw you off the fucking Royal Raceway Mega Jump. Shut up, play the game, and you'll easily pass grubbman for the next spot. (i know that was a huge spoiler that Grubbfest is next on the list.) Alex, the bashing stops here. You have great potential my friend. You've beaten me a couple times, which i give you kudos for. Well done, pat yourself on the back. Ok you can stop now. Your player should ALWAYS be Toad. I feel that you do quite well with that whiny little mushroom hat fuck. Work on your control on the course, and you'll be all set. Sky is the limit my friendly jolly giant! Huzzah
Matt Grubbman. What can i say. Your biggest con is your persistent need to settle for fucking 2nd and 3rd place. Seriously, what the FUCK is that shit? That like saying, wowzers i have the the guaranteed opportunity to bang Jessica Alba, but also could bang Rosanne Bar instead, so i'll settle for that. Stop being a moron and go for the gold for christ sake. (fyi your people did in christ.) Get your head out of your ass and start playing harder, or Alex will be passing you in no time. Pros- Grubby, you had some excellent races today. You beat me at K. Desert. Pat yourself on the back...and keep patting for awhile. That is a huge accomplishment, and you should be quite proud! Think of that moment, channel the positivity and improve at this wonderful game. You have the potential amigo!
Tony/Martin--- This is a very very hard situation for me. You both pose problems for me quite often you annoying fucks. Right now, i'm swinging that Martin still has the advantage...sorry Tony, but you're up.
Tony- You little bitch. learn how to drive on the final lap already! You f'n do so well, and always find a way to manage to fuck things up in the end. Get a grip on that last turn retard. It's not like you don't know how the course goes. For fucks sake we've been playing this shit for years, and further more, its your game and system to begin with! Take a breath, settle your shit, and you have the very good chance of being better then Marty, or at least his equal. Pros- Tony, you're a great MK 64 racer. I always find trouble with you during most parts of the game. I suggest you focus on your slides a bit more, and be more patient at the end. It'll do wonders for your gaming. A few more races, and i see you and Marty being in for a huge huge rivalry. Huzzah for Tony!
Martin, you're up next. Marting, they're isn't much that i have to criticise when it comes to you. You have good control for the game, but at times i feel that you let your emotions get in the way. At times you get a little to flustered and sometimes give up. Just 2 days ago i had the lead on you in Royal Raceway and i messed up. During that time i only had a slight lead on you, yet your dumb ass had already put down the controller and called it quits. Easy there Vince Carter. Play to the end and you could've had the "W" Martin your strengths have really come out lately. You have gotten your slides down a lot better. I feel that you're only using the slide at half the amount you could be at. Those extra bursts really add up in the end, and they would benefit you greatly. Once you get that down you'll be at Clarks level. Huzzah to Martin!
Clark- that's right, time for you. Lets all give a round of applause for Clark being that number two mario kart player in our Conference! HUZZAH! Clark, you are a spot on racer. You do well down the stretch and don't pull Busch league maneuvers like Tony on the final turn, bone headed retard moves like Joel's racing in general, and do not complain like a fuck stick in Alex during, or at the end of a loss. You maintain your composure for the most part. Job well done. How do you get as good as me. Slides, Slides, Slides. Much like i told martin, you emphasis HAS TO BE ON THIS MANEUVER. Normally when i beat your ass at this game its because of this simple yet tough to do task.
Brendan- You are obviously the best in the conference. keep up the good work. Your main flaw is quite frankly being an idiot while driving. Sometimes you focus on the slide too much, thus causing you to look like a drunk dinosaur on the track. Get your head out of your ass, and start racing 100% of the time as well. Matt Grubbman pointed out something to you today when you were totally being a douchebag in talking to others while racing. That alone gave you the 3rd place finish on K. Desert you fuck stick. Focus, drive right, and for christ sake dont' turn around when you miss a box, you're not that good to do that asshole! Ok well that about sums it up. I hope you have enjoyed my take on your driving in Mario Kart 64! Please remember that the attitude i have displayed in this e-mail was supposed to be as standoff and dickish as possible. Happy Driving dickbags! Your Friend, Brendan
ps- I expect an e-mail back from all of you cock smokes. my hands are literally about to fall off.
And then here was my reply:
Nice work Brendan. I have to say that your composition of this email show some pros/cons in your character. Pros: very funny Cons: can sometimes be a dick I fear we may soon be some of those losers who post video games on youtube.
How about some criticism for Martin's tendency to just stay in his room and never play with us anymore?
Grubman killed Jesus!
Joel does provide much entertainment. I feel I did a much better job in not letting the sandwich distract me.
Alex you should try to take advantage of us one night when we are all drunk and you are sober. I'm strictly speaking in terms of Mario Kart, except maybe for Brendan. He's been a little cranky lately and needs some loving.
Martin, you should take off your shirt when you play. It seems to help you in all other aspects of life.
Clark, pretend your drive back to Maryland is one giant Kart race.
Comparison to NFL teams:
Brendan: Patriots (sorry) dominant team, others love to hate. You cheat (not really) but when you put it all together, it is a good thing to watch.
Clark: Steelers - nothing flashy, hard work and consistency gets you near the top often, but any championship will be a fluke and a one-off.
Party: Seahawks - good team, fun to watch, but just doesn't have the goods to win it all. At least you aren't bald like Matt Hasselback.
Tony: Saints: lots of potential, tendency to surprise the big boys, but terribly inconstant. Also a tendency to be distracted by the opposite sex (i.e. Hurricane Katrina)
Grubby: Bengals- happy with an 8-8 season, troubles with the law, spooning with gay men, but fun to watch
Alex: Broncos- team with some young talent, may even sneak into the playoffs once in a while, but really "The Denver Broncos"
Joel: Cardinals- others love to play you, flashy and young, easy to beat, but you still seem to have fun, like Matt Leinart
And don't make me even get on you fucks about tennis, or in Joel's case his stupid rainbow shoes. I don't wanna tear anyone a new one. Actually, I should put that on my agenda for tomorrow. That's all I got for today.
Yes, good things. I hope you enjoyed.
P.S. sometimes work is boring, so we need to do things like this to liven it up.